Sam Holstein

Don’t Let Your Sex Drive Control You

Alex by Dragan Jovanovic

Oh my God. I haven’t had sex in (insert time period here)! I am going insane!

In my sex-positive social circle, this is something I hear pretty frequently.

My (penis or vagina) is telling me to make a bad decision

My balls are so fucking blue

These statements seem to never fail to get a laugh. But every time someone says something like this, they’re letting their sexuality own them. They’re taking personal power away from themselves and handing it to a physical urge — the urge for sex.

Well, I’ve got news for you. You don’t belong to your genitals. Your genitals belong to you. They’re only one part of a whole.

This is why I hate it when people anthropomorphize their genitalia. By separating those organs from yourself and speaking as if they have their own will, you’re giving these urges the power to control you.

If your sexual life is causing you a problem, it’s time to sit down and sort yourself out.


Let’s think about this in the context of another physical urge — hunger. Hunger is a bit different in that we literally can’t live without food, while we can live without sex, but the principle is the same.

Say, given we have already eaten enough, that we want to eat more food. Perhaps we have a specific craving, or are feeling down that day. We might eat some extra food to satisfy our craving. But the more we eat, the worse the problem gets. We have eaten enough to survive, and we want more food. More, and more, and more. Most people agree that at that point, the right thing to do is stop eating and train our bodies to desire the correct amount of food.

We readily agree when it comes to food, but from what I’ve observed, not when it comes to sex. Many sex-positive people believe the desire for sex should always be satisfied (so long as it is done so in an ethical way). In other words, they don’t believe there is a ‘too much sex.’

The guideline for determining if we have too much food or too much sex is the same: if it starts to control our lives, it’s too much.

This is the guideline for determining if there’s too much of anything in your life. If it controls your life, if the pursuit of it determines all your decisions, it’s too much.

It’s perfectly normal to want sex. It’s perfectly normal to want a lot of sex. Whether your desire is dysfunctional or not doesn’t have to do with how much desire you have, but how much that desire controls your life.


Some questions you can ask yourself to determine if your genitals are controlling you are:

  1. Do I blow off plans to get laid?
  2. Does my sexual drive distract me in inappropriate places, such as at work or at the grocery store?
  3. Do I neglect responsibilities (important chores and errands) just to get laid?
  4. Do I spend my spare brain cycles coming up with more ways to get laid?
  5. Do I sacrifice long term goals (building a career, finding a marriage) in order to have greater access to sex?

Please, have all the sex you want. Don’t let me stop you. But don’t let it get in the way of your life, either. Life has a lot more to offer than the physical sensations sex can give you, no matter how enjoyable they are.


more related reading:

https://medium.com/@meholstein/the-two-ways-men-express-lust-ced660b89af3
https://medium.com/@meholstein/the-two-ways-men-express-lust-ced660b89af3