Sam Holstein

The Two Ways Men Express Lust

The Two Ways Men Express Lust

Feminism has focused our attention on female sexuality. Feminism is working even today to show everyone that female sexuality is good and has intrinsic value apart from male desire. In other words, women want sex for its own sake, too. It’s a dramatic change in mindset that we desperately need.

But female sexuality isn’t the only thing affected by this change in mindset.

When we define female sexuality by the way a male possesses it, we define male sexuality by it’s ability to possess. In other words…

Many women still define their sexuality by the men they’re pleasing, and many men still define their sexuality by the women they fucked.

Men who define their sexuality this way count their ‘number,’ they brag to their friends that they ‘nailed that chick,’ and are incapable of having a female friend they don’t want to have sex with.

Feminism taught women that we own our sexual desire and that our sexual desire is for our benefit, not the benefit of men.Well, men need a mindset change too. Male sexual desire doesn’t exist to conquer as many women as possible. Male sexual desire is something for men to enjoy. Like female sexuality, male sexuality is good.

The problem is that healthy male sexuality gets distorted into a drive to conquer and possess.

This balloons into two types of male sexual expressionan expression that treats women as equal partners in a sexual adventure, and an expression that treats women as something men capture and use.

Women can instinctively spot the difference between the two. Two men can proposition me with the same sentence — “want to get out of here?” — and inspire wildly different responses. The man who respects me as an equal partner excites me.The man who is trying to conquer me creeps me out.

Men who are respectful want and have sex as much as the conquerors. Men who are respectful talk about sex as much as the conquerors (if not more). Men who have a healthy attitude about sex will talk about their partner’s bodies as much as conquerors do. Mistaking them all for conquerors at first glance is easy.

But once you know what to look for, the difference is clear:

Men who abuse women, the men of the #metoo movement, are conquerors. They are trying to conquer women. They are trying so hard to conquer women that they are willing to abuse them to do it. Not a day goes by without us finding out that another male in power has abused that power to get sex. They’ve done nasty thing after nasty thing to manipulate vulnerable women around them into sex.

We women have developed a justifiable knee-jerk response of defensiveness and disgust. Anytime a male propositions us and we are not interested (because we are tired, because we don’t know them very well, etc.) we don’t just decline them; it disgusts us that they even attempted.

This reaction is as justifiable as any can be; there are so many conquerors out there. Sometimes it feels like we can’t go to the grocery store without some male trying to conquer us. It’s easy to feel like any proposition is yet another man trying to turn us into a sex toy.

We have to be very careful to remember what is wrong about this situation. The fact that some men wanted sex isn’t a problem. The problem is that some men do immoral, unethical and illegal things to get it. Some men are trying to conquer.

Yeah, some men love hookups. Some men will proposition any hot woman they’ve known for more than thirty seconds. And yeah, if you’re a woman who doesn’t love sex that much, it can be annoying. But as long as they’re asking nicely and respect your answer, there’s literally nothing wrong with them asking. And you know what — some women love hookups too, and are happy to say yes.

Ironically, even women who love hookups will usually say no to hooking up with a conqueror. Women who love hookups are trying to have a good time with someone else who shares their interests, not to be made into a cum rag for an asshole.

The distinction is important because if we throw out the baby with the bathwater — if we demonize all male sexual desire, instead of only the desire to conquer — the problem is going to get worse.

This is what I see happening in our culture. We’re so sensitized to male conquerors that any expression of male lust is demonized. When we see a man trying to have sex, we automatically put up our guard.

There is no threat from male sexuality. What there is a threatfrom is greedy people. Greedy, powerful people (mostly men) feel entitled to use their power to get what they want. With the #MeToo movement it’s sex, but they also use their power to get fame and fortune and a thousand other things they are greedy for.

The problem isn’t sex; the problem is that greedy people are willing to do anything to get what they want.

When we demonize male sexuality instead of greed, we teach an entire generation of men that their healthy and natural urges are evil.They will internalize a message of shame and hate, the same way young women internalized a similar message of shame and hate.And the greedy people will be able to continue using their power to get what they want.

We need to teach young men their desire for sex is healthy. We need to teach young men that women are also people, who also have a healthy desire for sex in their own right. We need to teach young men the tools to interact with women respectfully so that two people who want to have sex together can.

We need to teach young men that the problem isn’t that they want sex; we need to teach them the problem is when you ignore someone else’s humanity and take it.

What Does This Mean For Women?

As women, we need to remember not to demonize the men in our own lives for feeling lust. None of us mean to, but we do it in the smallest of ways.

By now we’ve had enough feminism to know that slut-shaming a woman is seriously messed up. But we need to remember not to slut-shame men, either.

Atthe same time, we need to be on guard against conquerors. We can’t allow them a foothold in our lives anymore.

A lot of women have a conqueror friend. We all know that one guy who talks about “nailing her” and “hitting that.” Instead of letting that slide, we need to call him out.

“But it’s not my job to tell him this! It isn’t a woman’s job to fix a man’s sexism!”

You’re right. It’s not. But it needs done all the same, and no one else is going to do it.